loving and leaving

last november i went home for thanksgiving. i had been in country for 8 months at that point, but it felt like an eternity. i vividly remember the moment when i came through the airport and saw my family standing there, waiting for me, holding a "welcome home" sign. my eyes locked on my mom, and i can only describe the feeling in that moment as what one of my friends has termed a "love blackout." i felt a magnetic force pulling me to my mom, and when she hugged me i felt protected, safe, and relaxed all within one second. it sounds a little crazy and maybe a bit of an exaggeration, but there was an indescribable bond between us that felt whole again, even in that one hug.

flash forward to last week. i received a call at 8:30am my time, 4:30am Georgia time. my heart instantly started pounding out of my chest because my mom does not call with good news at 4:30 in the morning. as it turns out, she had experienced a stroke like event from Meniere's Disease. my mind flashed to that scene in the airport, my college graduation, birthday parties, and christmases-- good memories with my mom. thank the lord above that she is ok and in recovery now, but for a split second my mind was trying to prepare my heart for a much worse situation. i quickly and firmly told her in that conversation that i would be coming home. for good. no questions asked, and i was not discussing it. i honestly had never realized how much i loved my mom until that phone call. i always felt incredibly blessed and fortunate to have her in my life, but it wasnt until then that i confirmed she is the number one most important woman in my life. always has been, always will be. this is the woman who suffered with me, and still loves me after middle school. (God bless her). she has always put me first and taken care of me with a fierceness that never once allowed me to question how much she loved me. 

truth be told, i had already been struggling with the decision to end my peace corps service early. senegal has been wearing down on me-- physically, emotionally, and spiritually for a long time. to me, this was the final sign that the right decision was to leave early. when you come into peace corps, you commit to 2 years of service. however, you can leave at any time, for whatever reason, similar to resigning from a job. i called peace corps and let them know i would be leaving due to the situation at home. i packed my bags and spent my last days in village. i said goodbye, knowing i will never see my best friends in village ever again. i often felt like i was at a loss for how to describe a situation due to the language barrier, but never as much as when i said goodbye. there were no words to tell my friends Aja and Halimatou what they meant to me and how important they were this last year and a half. my last night in village was actually kind of perfect. everyone understood that it was more important for me to be home. senegalese families are huge and filled with half brothers and sisters, multiple wives, cousins and grandparents all living in the same compound. so as an only child, they knew that my main job is to be there for my mom and also for my dad. they said, of course you cant stay here. your mother's heart is not clear with you here. when you get home, she will heal in no time! so with that, i can leave knowing that my village understands. now i am dakar, starting the process of coming home.

it is really hard to sum up one of the most formative experiences of your life. without being overly sentimental or overly jaded (as my good friend once put it to me), i will just say that the last year and a half has been heart-breakingly beautiful, incredibly frustrating, yet insanely rewarding. i feel blessed and humbled.

Rainy season is here! While I would like to say that I welcome the rains with open arms and a heart of gratefulness, I can't. Rainy season is disgusting and it is like living in a greenhouse full of mosquitoes. BUT it is a great time to remind people they should be sleeping under mosquito nets and taking every measure available not to get malaria! So, my friend, Sarah came to my village a couple weeks ago to help me do a "Net Care and Repair" event. We had some success...I would have liked to seen more women come out, but at least 12 showed up. We gave the women resources to fix holes in their nets and wash their nets. Unfortunately everyone just wanted new nets and complained about having to fix the old ones. But hey, if it's broke, try to fix it, right? The saying goes something like that.

Also, my latrine project is almost complete! Thanks to everyone who has donated! The latrine is at the new addition to the health hut and will give everyone in the village a place to handle business when they come to get medical attention. This new addition is a 6 room building that is almost finished. Once it is done, a nurse or doctor will be moved to my village to provide medical care to the village, hopefully. Senegal operates under the believe that things happen when God wills them to, or simply, Inchallah. So in a few months Medina Afia will have a functional health center with a trained medical professional, Inchallah.

Now, I am off to Kedegou, a region south of Tamba, for the 4th of July celebration. It will be a nice break from village to see everyone I haven't seen since possibly last year's July 4th party. Thanks for all the support! And a big shout out to the best family a Peace Corps volunteer could ask for. Thanks for all the prayers, letters, and packages! Oh and congrats to my 2 amazing cousins, both currently fulfilling their dreams...I am glad we have a chef in the family and also I have an ally who understands the travel bug.

I just experienced the best 2 hours of my service. Last week in village I was hanging out with my friends-- a group of 6-7 women around my age. Usually I spend the hot part of the afternoon at 1 of 4 places-- my compound, my counterpart's compound or my friends' compounds. I was just hanging out, watching hair being braided and tea being sipped-- typical afternoon. My posse loves to joke around with me about how I don't have a husband. I tell them I am still a kid, which is hilarious to them because all of them were married with a kid by the time they were 23 (my age). They love to tease me about other male volunteers and say when I come in to Tamba, I come in to see my boyfriend. I don't, to be clear. It is a running joke and to be honest I don't do much to dissuade them from giving me a hard time. After all, we have maybe 5 topics to talk about and I would almost always rather be joking around than talking about how hot the sun is for the 17th time that hour. So we are just goofing around talking about boys and then the conversation went places it has never gone before. Suddenly these women opened up to me and we talked about problems they are having with their husbands, family planning, dating, everything that was a "taboo" topic a year ago. They were asking questions and were so interested and curious. No one wanted to leave to start making dinner. My sister even said she forgot that she had to cook that day because she was too busy talking! It was such an amazing moment, and I realized that this could not have happened when I first got here.

So often volunteers are really hard on themselves (myself included) because we don't see immediate results. Something that is supposed to take a month to complete can take an entire year, and as an American, it is hard to switch from fast-paced, result-driven, 9-5 lifestyle to a developing country. Granted, I haven't ever had a "real" 9-5 job, but it is still difficult to go from stable deadlines and time tables to the idea that work will be done "if God agrees." So to be able to speak to my closest friends in village-- who have gone from being people I just make small talk with, to people who actually understand me and know me and care about me-- about the things they care about is huge. It was a celebration of being a woman, sharing and understanding other women, in Pulaar no less.

I may not change anything while I am here. I joined Peace Corps with bright eyes and an eager idealism thinking I would help these people. And I did know that I would learn more than I would ever teach. But as it turns out, these women are teaching me things I didn't even know I needed to learn. I thought I knew the kind of woman I wanted to be and the kind of future I wanted to have. But I am realizing that my Peace Corps service, and honestly life in general, is about human connection. If I can get one person to maybe think twice before they have unprotected sex or eat before they wash their hands-- WITH soap-- then I will have made a little progress. But I think also forming a bond with women who I share virtually nothing in common with, not even a language, is the greatest thing I could do with these two years. And all the times I have cried and wanted to come home this past year are suddenly worth it. And even though the next day I got frustrated all over again, I feel so grateful and blessed to be able to look back on that afternoon and reconfirm this is where I want to be.

Reflections after 1 Year

It seems like all my blog posts begin with apologies, and this one is no different. Sorry I am such a lazy blogger! One of my goals for Year 2 is to blog more, so hopefully that will happen!

So I have made it through my year anniversary. I can't help but be very excited about that. A year is a long time, no? It means that I only have 1 1/2 more hot seasons, 1 more dreaded rainy season, and 1 more blissful cold season. It actually did get cold and I could never decide if it was actually cold or if it was just my frail Southern skin that cries out for flannel with any dip below 60 degrees. Nevertheless, everyone was able to bike in the middle of the day, drink water without it needing to be refrigerated, and actually, gasp, turn OFF a fan. I effortlessly walked around the market enjoying the day. Now hot season is back and I digress.

So in the spirit of celebrating my anniversary, here are some things I have learned over the past year:
Relax. Everything will work out today, and if it doesn't, maybe tomorrow inshallah (if God wills it). Or maybe not. The pace of life is a lot slower here than in America and that's not always a bad thing. I think sometimes we can get caught up in getting to the next step-- high school gets you ready for college, college for grad school, grad school for the real world, and then what? Maybe it isn't so bad to slow down and enjoy where you are and relish the moment. This is not always easy for me because I am American after all. And time is money, right? Somehow that phrase loses its worth when you don't get paid in the first place.

Development work is hard. Peace Corps is something I wanted to do for a really long time and love my job. But sometimes you don't see results as fast as you want and sometimes you don't ever see results. That doesn't mean that you give up or stop doing things you believe in. It just means that you get frustrated, take a breath, watch an episode of Glee, and move on.

Patience. Wow. I thought I was a pretty patient person a year ago, but now I can literally sit all day just chatting and drinking tea and the time can fly by. I feel like a lot of people, myself included, are afraid to be patient with themselves. I have learned that it is ok to be patient with your pace -- in learning a language, in making friends, in getting that promotion...in everything. Good things come to those who wait.

Life is beautiful. Yes, that is really cheesy and cliche, but it is true. There is always something to be grateful for and if I can't see it I try to wait 5 minutes. I have a favorite kid in my village and she's sassy and the cutest thing I have ever seen. It is hard to think there is not some point to all of this, some beauty in every day, when I look at her.

Anyway, I will try to update more frequently and as always, thanks for reading!